Feeling a little too rosy about getting your taxes done on time? Are you in the middle of creating a custom Thank you card to mail to your tax specialist, for all their effort and support? Stop! You may be one of the many people who are incapable of complaining. I’m Bryan Timothy Mitchell and I’ll help you find ways to complain so everybody can know exactly how you feel.
First things first. Don’t you just looOOoove gathering all the details you need to share with the federal government: the receipts, bank records, W-2 forms, itemized lists of every expenditure you could think of from last year? I sure don’t. Even going online to download these documents feels like I’m scrolling through endless lists on Netflix, knowing good and well I’m not watching anything. Not until I’m in the mood at least. And what that mood is and when it’ll come is well beyond anybody’s guess, even mine. But let’s complain about that another time, we’ve got to get our taxes done or face federal charges.
You finally get the last document you need through the mail, and now, you can finally take all your important sheets of paper, all seasoned with mustard stains and watermarks, to the place that was a Spirit of Halloween store mere months ago. It has a tattered, washed-out canvas sign dangling over the entrance now that reads “EZ Tax Solutions”. See how they get ya!? Should you go in, you’ll find dozens of desks and chairs scattered about, but only Gary is working on any given day. Why? Because he lost too many games of rock, paper, scissors at Disney World, and now he wants to take revenge on humankind, one soul at a time.
Gary milks it too, moving in slow motion. His eyes are set somewhere between blank and blurry, which narrows things down if you’re consulting a dictionary. I’ll let you look it up, because just as I’m too lazy to do my own taxes, I’m also too lazy to do alphabet math in a book that would hurt my foot if it slipped from my grasp. Let’s get back to EZ Tax Solutions before Uncle Sam has a hissy fit.
Sitting in this stuffy utilitarian dungeon, waiting on your turn with a ticket number that is synonymous with what Beetlejuice drew at the end of his first movie, you may peek up at Gary the evil genius and destroyer of dreams, and find him talking to his current client, who just so happens to be me. At that moment, you may wonder why I’m being so animated with him. Well, I’m happy to oblige.
“Sorry, Mr. Um Mitchell. It seems that my scanner has stopped working, but don’t worry, it breaks every single time I have a new customer. It shouldn’t be a problem, really. The real problem is that my computer screen has frozen again.” He spam-clicks his mouse to prove it. “I’ll restart it once I remember where the shutoff button is. HA! HA! I always forget. Anyway, once it’s back up and running, we’ll just start back at square one. The good news is that I’ve remembered all your private information from the first six times it froze. So, you won’t have to do much besides sit there and trust I’m doing everything correctly. I know this seems like it could be a heavy burden for me, but don’t worry. Although this job can be rough, I honestly can’t complain.”
“Oh, you poor unfortunate soul,” I say. “Today is your lucky day, Gary. ‘Cause I can get you complaining in no time at all. For instance, have you noticed how uncomfortable these flimsy plastic seats are?”
Gary adjusts his seating position and shrugs. “You get used to it after a while.”
“Oh, no you don’t, Gary. These seats are not recommended by orthopedic experts, and on top of that, their curvature is as unnecessary as an appendix, and I’m not talking about the helpful ones you find in books, but the ones that could go full Xenomorph at any given time on your insides.”
“What’s a Xenomorph?” Gary replies. “Oh, yay me. I found the off button.”
That was a very long day, was it not? And we’re not even through with taxes yet. Still unable to complain? Stick around.
Maybe you bypass the tax dungeons and go straight to your home computer where the most advanced tax software awaits your fingertips. Sure, the cost seems astronomical, but this is an investment that’ll improve your tax filing experience for years to come. Quick question: Which would you prefer, answering a gazillion tax questions or taking the SAT every year for the rest of your life? I hope you studied because if you don’t know the definitions of Income, Unearned Income, Pre-Historic Income, Scrutinized Income, and Income Part Two: The Saga Continues, you may find yourself in a bind!
Maybe everything up to now is just fine and dandy. Easy Peasy. No problem at all, but we’re not done. As you can see, there are several paragraphs left. So, buckle up, buttercup!
Have you developed a hoarder’s mentality thanks to the recommended time you should store your finished tax records? Something tells me, I’m not the only one. After decades of braving the tax prep dungeons, I have countless mounds of tax documents stacked everywhere. Why? Because I truly in my heart of hearts have no clue when I can say, it’s OK to let them go. But you can’t just let go of sensitive information, not in this day and age. Oh no, you really have to destroy them all! But here’s the thing. You buy a shredder and feed it a few pages at a time. Oh no! You put in one too many, and now it’s jammed. There’s a burnt smell, along with some pretty sparks. And it’s not even July yet. How nice.
“But Bryan, you don’t need to buy a shredder. You can burn them, duh.” I wish that were true, my friend. The truth is that there is a no burning ordinance in my city. Thank you for keeping us safe, Archdale, North Carolina. Believe you me, if I were to step outside into my own yard and burn sixty million sheets of paper filled with my private information, the police would come over knowing good and well I wasn’t having a Bar-B-Q.
Now you see why I have a katrillion tax documents piled up in my closet? Good thing no one’s asked me to produce any particular record. I’d get lost in there if I tried. This isn’t a wardrobe, so I obviously wouldn’t be in Narnia. Absolutely not. I’d be in Nightmareland. But hey, things may not be so bad there. Still, I’d find something to complain about, and folks, if I can do that in a place where taxes don’t exist, you can do it in a place where it does.
Stay tuned for more advice!
