Last month, I felt inspired to write something that could benefit the whole entire world. You see, all my life people have let me in on a secret about themselves. People I know, even total strangers, chose me, entrusted me, with personal information pertaining to a deep psychological problem of theirs, and unbeknownst to them, they all suffer from the very same thing. It’s a sign, really. It’s as if society has cried out to me, specifically, for help, and I’ve stood by for far too long. But not any longer, ladies and gentlemen, yours truly is stepping up to the plate.

I am about to take on an epidemic that is plaguing our society. It affects more than ninety-nine percent of people, which means that more than likely you need my help. Yes, you may be one of the many people who “can’t complain”.

Quite a problem if you think about it. These poor folks could get run over by a car and wouldn’t be able to voice their frustration. A piano could fall on top of them, and they wouldn’t have a say. We all know that stress is a killer in this day and age, but few seem to understand that one of the best ways to alleviate it is to complain. Yeah, sure you’re stressing someone else out with your drama, but hey, you’ll feel better for it in the end. So, moving forward, I, Bryan Timothy Mitchell, will put on my therapist hat and provide special insights that’ll help society overcome the inability to complain.

Some of you may wonder what makes me qualified to provide such care. I’d say that would be a fair question, but if you re-read that sentence there is no question mark there. Go back and check if you like. I’ll wait. It’s not like I have anything else better to do. (That is what I call stark sarcasm, and you can do it too. I promise with a little practice we’ll get you there.)

Needless to say, I am more than willing to oblige in presenting my credentials in this subject matter. First off, everyone came to me with this information. I asked how they were doing, and they told me very plainly “Can’t complain.” And you know what? My heart truly goes out to them. It’s awful, really. Sure, there are other problems out there. Some people are “Livin’ the dream”, but we’ll get to those weirdos later, basically all they need anyway is a healthy dose of pessimism, but I solve the world’s problem one at a time. (That folks is subtle sarcasm, and you can learn to do it too, just stick around.)

But being the bearer of this information isn’t the only credential I have. I’m also the Founder of the Complainers” Expression & Organization Network, aka ComE ON! And yes, I did just make that up, but still, I’m qualified, and I’ll prove it in the next paragraph or whatever it is… List maybe? Can you believe I got a degree in English and I don’t know if this next block of words is a paragraph or not. (See how easy it is, friends? Stick with me and I’ll have you complaining like a champ in no time.)

As a US Army veteran, I was a well-known complainer amongst my peers and most certainly the chain of command, providing small complaints to even the last person who’d ever want to hear them. Complaints such as: “This sucks.” “My feet hurt.” “Oh, my back!” “Why are we doing this?”

Those are always helpful to dish out any ole time. But folks, I didn’t hold myself to only small complaints when I was a soldier. Oh no! I made bigger ones all throughout my military career. A handful that come to mind are as follows: “For goodness’ sake, if I have to tell you how to polish a boot one more time, you’re going to be doing push-ups until my arms are tired!” “They call this rubber-tasting lump of garbage chicken?” “Whatcha mean I have to wax the floor? It’s already shinier than the top of your big head. Whatcha mean extra duty? It was only an observation!” “Suede boots? We can’t polish suede boots. Dog-on soldiers won’t have anything to do on their spare time if they can’t polish their boots!”

Needless to say, I can help these poor souls, so if you or someone you know is struggling to complain, do not worry. Help is on the way. Wanna leave a comment, then too bad! I don’t wanna hear it, I mean read it.